“I Always Have To…”

Why it’s not about the dishes and what it’s really costing you.

There’s a phrase I hear from women all the time.
It rolls off the tongue so easily, you’d think it was a fact of life.
A law of nature.
A cosmic rule etched into the stars.

💬 “I always have to…”

I always have to do the washing up.
I always have to pick up after everyone.
I always have to organise, tidy, remember, remind, sort, schedule, carry.

And it’s always said with a quiet mix of exhaustion and frustration, like they know something’s not right but can’t quite see a way out.

So let’s pause there for a moment.
Because if this is you…I want you to know: I hear you.
And I also want you to know… there’s more to this story.

Here’s the hard truth that most women have never been told:

👉 The very people you’re frustrated with… have been trained to be that way, invariably, but not exclusively, by you.
Not intentionally. Not maliciously. But repeatedly.

Because if something needs doing, and you do it, over and over again, especially when no one else steps in, you train the people around you to wait.
To expect.
To opt out.
And they learn, often unconsciously, that the easiest and laziest way to get something done… is to leave it.

You’ll do it.
Because it’s quicker.
Because it’s easier.
Because it’s less hassle than the sigh, the sulk or the standoff.

And I get it. I really do.
It is often quicker to just do it yourself.
Until one day, you realise… you’re the only one doing anything at all.

So, how do we stop this cycle?

Here’s what I tell my clients, and it might just surprise you:

💬 It’s not about demanding more from others.
It’s about expecting more from yourself.

Not doing more.
Expecting more.

Raising your standards; not for what you’re willing to carry but for what you’re no longer willing to tolerate.

It’s about shifting the dynamic you helped create, not by punishing the people in it but by retraining the system with clarity, consistency and calm power.

Because here’s the truth:

If you keep doing what you've always done for them, they’ll keep letting you.

So instead of waiting for them to step up, you get to redraw the line.

You get to say:

💬 “This is what I’m no longer available for.”
💬 “This is what will happen going forward.”
💬 “This is what we’re changing…and here’s why.”

You don’t need to justify it.
You don’t need to ask for permission.
You don’t even need to get it right the first time.

You just need to start.

Because this is how leadership in a family begins; not with shouting but with clarity.

And I’ll say this too:

👉 You are not doing your children or your partner any favours by doing everything for them.
You’re teaching dependence.
You’re training helplessness.
And one day, they’ll walk out into a world that will not carry them the way you have and they won’t know what to do.

So no, this is not just about the dishes.

It’s about dignity.
It’s about shared responsibility.
It’s about raising humans who are capable, respectful and aware.

And it starts with you.

So next time you hear yourself mutter “I always have to…”
Pause.
Breathe.
Ask yourself: “What am I ready to change?”

Then make one small shift.
Have one honest conversation.
Hold one boundary you’ve been letting slip.

Because you don’t need to carry everything.
You just need to decide you won’t.

And that decision?
It might just be the most powerful thing you ever do.